M.I.A.

Well..it’s been a loooooooooooooong time since I’ve updated this thing!!!! You ask why? Because it stopped being fun.  Lol  This weight loss journey hasn’t been fun at all honestly.  It’s been hard.  It’s been hard as all get out.  At first it was fun blogging about my new fun workouts with my new fun trainers and my new fun food…well honestly… I hate my workouts, I have a love/hate relationship with my trainers and I’m beyond sick of the food!!!!!!!  How’s that for ya?  It’s been a hard road. These last 3 weeks of what they have called “homestretch” have been really hard.  Do you realize how easy it is to cheat when I don’t have to weigh in in front of you guys or have a video of me posted either about to cry or jumping for joy?  I have to throw it out there..I’ve not lost a pound in 3 WEEKS!!!  You heard me right..not one pound.  I’ve worked out with my trainers like normal but it’s so easy to let things slip in my food when I know I don’t have to weigh in every week.  I know I’ve lost more inches..I can feel it in my clothes so I know that’s good but how much fun it would be to get on that scale and have lost 20 more lbs or heck 10 for that matter. About 3 weeks ago I got what they call the “burnout!”  I wanted to be done with everything..anything that involved thinking of food, thinking of working out and the scale.  I just wanted to avoid it all.  Unfortunately I couldn’t avoid my trainers lol!  They were still there regardless of what I did with my food or the scale.  No matter how I wished them away they wouldn’t go away.  I’m actually thankful for them. As much as they wear me out and I don’t like them on most days I couldn’t have done what I’ve done without them.  I would never push myself like they have pushed me.  Just 4 weeks ago when the new season of Biggest Loser came on the first challenge was to run a mile.  3 people had to run the mile and the first 2 that made it got on the show.  My heart sunk at the thought. I even said to my friend outloud..If I had to do that I would just walk away b/c there is no way that I can run a mile. I just couldn’t do it.  I never in my life imagined that I could run a mile. I never even wanted to honestly.  I just put that in the category in my life of “won’t ever do.”  But two weeks after I made that statement of I’ll never run a mile…I RAN A MILE!! About flipped out!!!  It was funny..I came in on a Saturday to workout with Sarah b/c I had missed on Friday and I went ahead and started and I just said to myself..I’m gonna jog a mile and I even argued with myself. Mandi you can’t run a mile…you just now started running a half mile and want to die…but I  went in there with the attitude of I am doing a mile and I did it. It wasn’t easy..but I did it. I swear this whole thing is a big mind game.  I never realized it until now. It is a mental game. The workouts, the eating, the challenge, the milestones. All my life I’ve had a mental block telling myself I can’t do this.  I can’t run. I can’t eat right. I can’t be healthy. I’m just a big girl and that’s all there is. I would love to be a thinner cuter person but I’m not made that way. That’s what I’ve told myself and I believed it.  On some days I still believe it until Sarah had me running at 7 mph.  Even as awful as it felt..I still did it. Grumbling, complaining, almost quitting right then and there..I still did it.  I’ve come so far even though I don’t feel it some days.  I have to admit I’m a little scared (BUT FAR MORE EXCITED) when this is over. I’ve got 10 days left..actually 9 ½ to be a matter a fact. I won’t have someone making me come to workout. I won’t have the accountability of weighing in and u seeing it.  That scares me. What is gonna make me wake up at 4:30 in the morning to go kill myself at the gym or what’s gonna make me go work out after work when I’ve worked all day and I don’t have a challenge to compete in?  Am I strong enough to do this on my own yet? I don’t want to gain the weight back I’ve lost. I don’t want to gain back the weight I’ve lost. I don’t want to go from running a mile to not being able to run again.  I don’t want to lose all the knowledge of food I have learned. Even though I’m still 260 something…I started this thing at basically 290 lbs…the feeling of evening getting to 266 is such an amazing feeling. Clothes being loser, feeling better about myself, and so, so much more. I’m scared to death to lose it all just b/c I would rather sleep a little longer or my dang tootin love for Blue Bell. I hate preparing food. I would be content for the rest of my life if I ate cereal every night for the rest of my life.  I would rather come home and watch my shows then go get on a treadmill. So what is it gonna take.  I know I love how I feel right now…but I don’t want to forget it. I still want to be held accountable.  I want to be healthy for life. Not for a challenge. I can’t say enough about how thankful I am for this challenge. I am thankful for my trainers, thankful for the opportunity to change and to learn a whole new way of life and I am SOOO SOOO SOOO thankful for the friendships I have made during this thing. Oh man..I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am for these people. Had it not been for this challenge I would have NEVER known these folks existed! That makes me want to cry at the thought of that.  Such precious people! 

So it’s still not over. I’ve got 10 days left. Trying to get focused once again.  I had a goal for me set in mind and I am not sure I can reach it but I’m gonna do my best to get there just for myself. I know I didn’t win the challenge and I’m ok with that. I’ve won my life back and will continue to do so.  Wish me luck!!!